Fairly Fresh Jokes
 

Children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day, (depending upon where you work!)
- Put more laughter in your day. -

How It All Began

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race begin?"
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by
God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers.'

Hearing Aids

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
 

Hearing Aids 2

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
 

Need a Hearing Aid

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' "
 

Can't Remember

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
 

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble ta

sk, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad
 

Mixed Emotions

How would you define "Mixed emotions?"

It's like seeing your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new Porsche.
 

Satan comes for a visit

Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed. The devil decides to pay a visit. The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The farmer replies, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

Billboards

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God

C'mon over and bring the kids. -God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God

Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God

Need directions? -God

You think it's hot here? -God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God

Do you have any idea where you're going? -God

Don't make me come down there. -God
 

Saddam Hussein's Hanging

Saddam Hussein had no sooner died than finding himself in hell, face to face with the Genie who he had found as a child.

"You are a horrible Genie! You failed me with my three wishes!"

"No I didn't, Saddam...let's review...

You wished to be a great leader of your country. This came true, no?"

"Yes it did, but"

"You wished to be wealthy beyond your wildest dreams?"

"And this too, came true, but..."

"And the third wish, you remember what that was, didn't you?"

"Yes, I wanted to be well hung...but that's not what I meant!!!"
 

The Trucker and the Priest

One day this trucker is driving on a route from New York to Toronto and usually when he is driving he likes to swerve and hit lawyers who happen to be hitch hiking.

So one day he sees a priest hitch hiking, being the religious man that he is, decides to pick him up.

After about two hours he forgets that the priest is even there and proceeds to hit a lawyer he sees. As he is just about to hit him he realizes who is beside him and straightens himself back on the road.

Much to his dismay he still hears a thump so he turns to the priest and says

"Please forgive me father."

The priest turns to him and replies,

"It is alright, I got him with my door.
 

Bathtub Sanity Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
 

Stand Up Moron

One day a college professor was greeting his new college class.  He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand.

After a minute a young man stood up.  The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron.  The kid replied, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
 

 
Cat On A Hot Tin Roof

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."
 

Country Politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them politicians lie."
 

KFC: Marketing Strategy

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.

Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''
 

Hack Golfer

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
 

 
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.
 

Lemon Squeezer

The local restaurant was so sure that its host was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The host would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

Then one day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the host said "OK," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the host paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
 

Things Found Only In America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
 

Southern University Psychology

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

 
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of Joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of Depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what is the opposite of Woe?"

The Texan replied, "Giddy up'?"
 

LAPD and the Rabbit

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
 

Teacher and Pupil

Teacher : If you had 50 cents in one pocket and you asked your dad for another 50 cents, what would you have?

Pupil : 50 cents

Teacher : You obviously don't know how to add.

Pupil : You obviously don't know my dad!
 

Help Wanted - CIA Assassin

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

 
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
 

Help Wanted - Pirate

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: Arrr. It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
 

Texas Trooper

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''
The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''

''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.

''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.

''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that jerk trooper would have tried that crap with me!'''

Two Arkansans...

Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road. One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.

"Chickens, eh?" says his friend. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag. "You guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

"Um...five?"
 

Respectfully Cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me!

So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the country club and you were 17 votes short?"
 

One hungry Bush...

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order.

Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

 
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
 
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
 

Bird Flu Virus

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands. Turkey is next.
 

I'm voting for Monica Lewinsky's ex-boyfriend's wife!

A Female Joke

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition"'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand
along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said...."Clean my house."

Sent in by Devett McDuff - Houston, TX
 

Lost Wife

I was in Wal-Mart the other day and I walked up to a young and lovely woman and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you talk to me a couple of minutes?"

The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a pretty woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
 

Bad Day for Bubba

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?" Bubba said, "Outside on the truck Where do you want me to unload 'em??"
 

Is it Because I'm Blond?

There was once a blond girl that went to Kindergarten. One day, when she came back from Kindergarten, she asked her mom "Mom, other kids can recite the ABC's only up to "F" but I can recite it all the way to "Z". Is it because I'm blond?"

The mother answered, "Yes honey, it's because your blond."

The next day, the blond girl came back from kindergarten and asked "Mommy, other kids can only count up to 13 but I can count up to 100. Is it because I'm blond?"

The mother once again answered "Yes honey, It's because your blond."

On the third day, the blond girl came back from kindergarten and asked "Mommy, other kids are small but I'm as big as my teacher, is it because I'm blond?"

The mother answered "No honey, it's because your 20"

Southern Thinking...

Georgia:
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
 

Alabama :
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
'Where's Henry?' the others asked..
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied. 'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter.
'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
 

Louisiana :
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying...
'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana '
When asked why, he replied 'Because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
 

Mississippi :
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!' Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?  'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'
 

Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
 

South Carolina :
A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.' The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?' The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it either.'

And My favorite:
You can say what you want about the South, But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North!!!!

Kids !!!!

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.  Their insight may surprise you.

While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic !

1. Don't change horses .......until they stop running.

2. Strike while the .............................bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before ......Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of ............termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ........how?

6. Don't bite the hand that .................looks dirty.

7. No news is ..........................................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a ............Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new ............... math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ..............stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust .............. me.

12. The pen is mightier than the ................... pigs.

13. An idle mind is .............the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's ................. pollution.

15. Happy the bride who ............gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ......................not much.

17. Two's company, three's .............. the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .......... you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ...........you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as ............Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ...............spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed .........get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you .......see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind .... get out of the way.

And the WINNER and the last one...

25. Better late than .............pregnant!
 

The Downing Man

A man's boat had capsized in the ocean and he was in the water praying for help. "Dear God, please don't let me drown."

Another boat pulled up and offered to pick him up but he declined saying, "That's okay, I know that God will save me."

A second boat came by and again offered to pick him but once again he declined saying, "Thanks, but I prayed to God and I know that he won't let me drown."

Left alone in the ocean, the man finally succumbed and drowned. He died and went to Heaven. Upon his arrival, he asked God, "Why didn't you answer my prayer to help me from drowning?"

God replied, "You dummy, I sent two boats to save you."
 

Mighty Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for all this bull. I gotta go home and screw the cat."
 

Three words that describe Britney Spears:

My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, plastic and full of viruses.
 

Yankees -vs- Red Sox

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.

"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"

"The Red Sox."

"Why's that?"

"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."

"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"

"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
 

The Bat Bet

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk.

The first bat said, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat goes out on his night and comes back with blood around his mouth. The other two bats are astonished and ask how many people's blood had he drunk. The bat said, "See that castle over there. I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat goes out on his night and comes back covered in blood. This was totally amazing to the other two bats. They ask how much blood he drank. The 3rd bat said, "See that castle over there?" and the other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

Wild Irish Ho's

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."
 

What did O.J. Simpson say after the trial? Can I have my gloves back now?
 

Three Strikes You're Out

A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the hoses stumbled, he said, "That's once."
Then it stumbled again. He said, "That's twice."

Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn't say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse dead.

His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and said, "That's once."
 

Drunk Driver

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''
 

Adam Talks All About Eve

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.
 

Blond Father

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"
 

Adventures in Disneyland

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.
 

Job Fair

A jock and a geek were applying for the same job.  The HR Manager said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who would get the job. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."

The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"

"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.
 

Cab Driver

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.
 

Good 'ol Cowboys

A cowboy gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called.

But I never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"

No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
 

EVER WONDER?

EVER WONDER Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
 

Dogs and more...

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
 

Walmart Cat

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!

Why WALMART???

HELLOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
 

Update: New that passed recently...

Now all unfit mothers under the influence of alcohol or any drug related substance may drop off their unwanted children at any police station, fire station or Kevin Federline’s house.
 

Coin Toss

A blonde and a brunette are at a restaraunt, waiting for their bill. The blonde happens to see a penny on the ground. She picks it up and turns to the brunette.

"Why don't we flip the coin, and the loser has to pay for dinner?" She asks. The brunette thinks it over then agrees. "I'll flip it." Says the blonde. She flips the coin and covers the result with her hand. "Call it."

"Heads." the brunette says.

"Almost. Guess again."
 

Suidie Bomber

Abdul was meditating, getting prepared to strap on a suicide bomb, when suddenly his friend Ahmed appeared to him in his dream.

"Ahmed, bless Alah! Soon I will be joining you in paradise."

"Abdul, you might not want to be so quick to go blow your self up."

"Why? Isn't it all that we've been told it is in heaven?"

"Well yes, it is very nice, but the 72 virgins aren't what they're cracked up to be."

"Really? Why do you say that?"

"You ever see what kind of person dies a virgin?"
 

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.
 

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him
 

Black Boxes

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had "covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5 years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were not surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh No!"

Only Tennessee, Georgia, and Alabama were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
 

A Blonde Joke

A blonde, A brunette, and a red-head all died in a car crash, and they all went to heaven at the same time.

They arrive at the gates of heaven, when God appears and tells them they must pass a laughter test, if they fail, they will be sent to hell.

The objective was to climb 100 stairs without laughing. Each stair will have it's own joke.

The Brunette goes first, and laughs at the 46th stair.

The Red-Head goes second, and laughs at the 77th stair.

The Blonde, makes all the way to the 100th step, when she suddenly bursts out with laughter.

God asks "Why are you laughing now?"

The Blonde says "I just got the first joke!".
 

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget