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Fairly Fresh Jokes
Children laugh an average of 146 times a day;
adults laugh an average of 4 times a day, (depending upon where you work!)
- Put more laughter in your day. -
Good Excuse
A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on Highway 101 for a nice evening
drive. the top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his
hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 140 mph he suddenly saw red and blue flashing
lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes, "he thought to
himself and opened her up further. the needle hit 150,160...
Then the reality of the situation hit him. " what in the world am I doing?"
he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him took his license without
a word and examined it and the car." It's been a long day,"said the cop
"this is the end of the shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like
doing anymore paper work, so if can give me an excuse for your driving that
i haven't heard before, you can go."
They guy thinks for a second and says," Last week my wife ran off with a
cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
Have a nice weekend," said the officer
Attorneys
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
_________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
Top 8 Idiots of 2000
Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at
the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
Emergency room right away.
Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield
decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the
river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It
turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon
which activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Idiot # 3 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a
stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to
give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him
write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells
Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't
the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and
that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back
to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank
of America.
Idiot # 4 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received
in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he
sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he
received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time
of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Idiot # 5 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,
the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and
said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's
license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it
over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in
the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier
promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that
he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
Idiot # 6 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Idiot # 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun
and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said the couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
You know you're living in 2008 when.....
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone
is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Mistakes on a resume - These are from actual
resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs,
yet..."
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of
my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act
on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money.
I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never
quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"Not sure, they just game me a check and told me
to leave..."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions."
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"I asked my boss for a raise, he told me I could
get a raise when he does."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly
disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the
experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately
lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as
the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does
not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
"Talking about my personal interests and long walks on the beach."
"Traveling, reading, running, biking, jumping, swimming, jogging,
bungee jumping, sky diving, underwater diving, base jumping, pole vaulting,
fly-fishing, golfing, skateboarding, ice
skating, bowling, poker, binge drinking, sleeping and family."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
The resume bloopers - These are taken from real resumes and cover letters
and were printed in Fortune Magazine:
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to
my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never
quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to
work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
Dear Abbey,
I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to
death in the gas chamber.
My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are
prostitutes and my father sells drugs.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served
time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.
I love this girl very much and want to marry her.
My problem is this:
Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?
Sincerely, Larry
The Brass Rat
A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he
chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter. The proprietor said,
that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it. The
man said, "Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story."
He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the
street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he
walked--the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more
rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water,
which he did--and all the rats drowned.
He returned to the store shortly and when he walked in, the proprietor said,
"Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?" "No," replied
the man, "I came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!"
How Smart Is Your Right Foot?
How Smart Is Your Right Foot? Trust me try this, it takes only few seconds.
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it
at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you
can't!!!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make
clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right
hand.. Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so.. And there is nothing you can do about it.
Things I've Learned
I'm safe from identity theft, no one wants to be me.
Great people in history have one thing in commom, they are all psychos.
Yogurt is not now and will not ever be a substiute for ice cream.
Thanksgiving is wrong, you get the day off but you have to spend it with
your family.
Rumor has it, that people are having children on purpose.
God bless America. (But not any of those other, evil countries.)
Smile, it's our only defense against gravity.
The worst part about being poor is that you have to live among poor people.
Behind every success story is another story about someone having that same
exact idea 5 years earlier.
Denial: The first step is admitting that there are no problems.
If you want revenge on a married man, just call his house and and hang up
every time his wife answers.
The whoopie cushion is the seat of all humor.
Men are free to do whatever they please, just as long as their wife okays
it.
We cheer Robin Hood when he steals from the rich and gives to the poor, but
detest the poor when they do the same thing.
In a hundred years you won't have to worry about money.
It's okay to be late as long as you bring donuts.
Soccer is the only game you can say- "We killed em' 2-0."
Arguements between your spouse and you rarely end with whatever.
Never, under any circumstance, not even once in a while, is it okay to wear
socks with sandals.
The two cruelest words ever linked together, mandatory meeting.
Never trust a story that has been told more than once.
The best weight loss system is sticking a mirror inside of your fridge.
A Crowbar From K-Mart
A redneck is sitting in a bar drinking minding his own business when a large
asian man goes over to him and knocks him off his chair. He then tells the
redneck, " That was a karate chop from Korea." The redneck is mad but he
gets up and goes back to drinking. All of a sudden the asian man knocks him
over again and says, " That was a judo chop from Korea." The redneck is real
mad now so he leaves and comes back an hour later. He goes over to the asian
man and knocks him off the stool knocking him out cold. He turns at the
bartender and says, " When he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from
K-Mart."
Billy-Bob at the Bar
Billy-Bob walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on
me!" The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight,
hm?" Billy-Bob says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to
go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. Billy-Bob comes back into the bar and says
Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well now!
If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how
happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!" Billy-Bob looks at the
bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters
from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"
The Boy Buys a Porsche
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
yell and scream,
"Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
We know what a Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that
for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just
moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a
Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows
what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced
himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen
dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off
to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He
claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him
the money. So I did."
What your Brain is Worth
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried
faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain.'
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,
'Why is the male brain so much more?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price
of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'
Praise Be to Allah…
An old Arabian man who lives in central USA wants to dig around the earth so
he can plant tomatoes. However, he is too old to do so, so he e-mails his
son, who studies in Paris.
Dear Son,
Ah, I wanted to plant Tomatoes in my garden today, but I am too old and weak
to dig around the ground. If only you were here, I would be certain you
would help me.
Allah be with you,
Your father.
A few hours later, he gets an e-mail back:
Dear father,
Please do not dig around the ground in the garden. It's where I hid...The
THING!".
Allah be with you,
Your dearest son.
Only 15 minutes after the man had received his e-mail, the cops, the FBI and
the CIA came knocking at his door and started to dig around his garden. When
they didn't find anything, they left disappointed.
One hour later, the father receives another mail:
Dear father,
I would assume your garden has been dug around by now. It was my honor to
help you.
Allah be with you,
Your dearest son.
DIE-vorce
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her
and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years,
but I want a divorce"
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases
her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and
talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your
best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and
slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he
says insistently.. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the
boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This
makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got
everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you
got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and
smiles. "The airbag."
Stocks vs Bud
If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49. If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock)
one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the deposit,
you would have $80.
It is therefore financially prudent in these troubled times to drink heavily
and recycle.
One Liners
I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid
problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised
that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
me.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists
are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one
day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones
but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks
and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he
got thrown out of the fire brigade.
S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better
have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are
you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the
wrong answers.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before..
How It All Began
A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race begin?"
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was
all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human
race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible
that you told me the human race was created by
God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'
The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your mother told you about hers.'
Hearing Aids
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He
went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman
went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The
gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and
listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Hearing Aids 2
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really,"
answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
Need a Hearing Aid
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days
later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young
woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing
what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " The doctor said, "I
didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' "
Can't Remember
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were
talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it
was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said,
"What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and
finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know, the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes,
that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and
yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even
an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble ta
sk, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Mixed Emotions
How would you define "Mixed emotions?"
It's like seeing your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new Porsche.
Satan comes for a visit
Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed. The devil decides
to pay a visit. The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in
with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors,
screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly
farmer.
Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can
understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach
against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the
farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"
The farmer replies, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been
married to your sister for 36 years!"
Billboards
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God
C'mon over and bring the kids. -God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God
Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God
Need directions? -God
You think it's hot here? -God
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God
Do you have any idea where you're going? -God
Don't make me come down there. -God
Saddam Hussein's Hanging
Saddam Hussein had no sooner died than finding himself in hell, face to face
with the Genie who he had found as a child.
"You are a horrible Genie! You failed me with my three wishes!"
"No I didn't, Saddam...let's review...
You wished to be a great leader of your country. This came true, no?"
"Yes it did, but"
"You wished to be wealthy beyond your wildest dreams?"
"And this too, came true, but..."
"And the third wish, you remember what that was, didn't you?"
"Yes, I wanted to be well hung...but that's not what I meant!!!"
The Trucker and the Priest
One day this trucker is driving on a route from New York to Toronto and
usually when he is driving he likes to swerve and hit lawyers who happen to
be hitch hiking.
So one day he sees a priest hitch hiking, being the religious man that he
is, decides to pick him up.
After about two hours he forgets that the priest is even there and proceeds
to hit a lawyer he sees. As he is just about to hit him he realizes who is
beside him and straightens himself back on the road.
Much to his dismay he still hears a thump so he turns to the priest and says
"Please forgive me father."
The priest turns to him and replies,
"It is alright, I got him with my door.
Bathtub Sanity Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window?"
Stand Up Moron
One day a college professor was greeting his new college class. He
stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron,
and if they were, they should stand.
After a minute a young man stood up. The professor then asked the kid
if he actually thought he was a moron. The kid replied, "No, I just
didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
Cat On A Hot Tin Roof
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week.
When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the
cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were
away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the
news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was
on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you
could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching
him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed
away.''
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."
Country Politics
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the
bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a
hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came
out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians
had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know
how them politicians lie."
KFC: Marketing Strategy
A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars
if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily
bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it
from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily
chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week
later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope
accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have
some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just
received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder
Bread account!'''
Hack Golfer
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and
enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays
poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left
of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all
day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your
head down that long."
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Lemon Squeezer
The local restaurant was so sure that its host was the strongest man around
that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The host would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and
hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but
nobody could do it.
Then one day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the
bet."
After the laughter had died down, the host said "OK," grabbed a lemon, and
squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little
man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the host paid the $1000, and asked the little man,
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or
what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Things Found Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries,
and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then
chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
Southern University Psychology
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending
their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from
Arkansas, "what is the opposite of Joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of Depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what is the opposite of
Woe?"
The Texan replied, "Giddy up'?"
LAPD and the Rabbit
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all
trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The
President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest
and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing
everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The
rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Teacher and Pupil
Teacher : If you had 50 cents in one pocket and you asked your dad for
another 50 cents, what would you have?
Pupil : 50 cents
Teacher : You obviously don't know how to add.
Pupil : You obviously don't know my dad!
Help Wanted - CIA Assassin
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and
one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could
never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out
with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent
replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She
took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after
another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few
minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun
was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
Help Wanted - Pirate
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?
Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.
Interviewer: How did you get that hook?
Pirate: Arrr. I got me hand cut off by a big knife.
Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?
Pirate: Arrr. It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a
bird crapped in me eye.
Interviewer: And that put your eye out?
Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
Texas Trooper
Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over.
The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club
and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did
you do that??''
The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out
and ready around here!''
''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''
The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the
window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his
club and smacks the passenger across the face.
''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.
''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you
would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that jerk trooper would
have tried that crap with me!'''
Two Arkansans...
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road. One of them is carrying a big
bag, labeled chickens.
"Chickens, eh?" says his friend. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got,
will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag. "You guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
"Um...five?"
Respectfully Cheating
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that
question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to
start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember
how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the
loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you
would do such a thing for me!
So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember
how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and
then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me,
to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing,
you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number
3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the country club and you were 17 votes short?"
One hungry Bush...
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks
up to them and asks if she can take their order.
Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and
storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
Bird Flu Virus
In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush has
bombed the Canary Islands. Turkey is next.
I'm voting for Monica Lewinsky's ex-boyfriend's wife!
A Female Joke
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies
for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do
anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky,
for $20.00......on one condition"'
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You
have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a
$20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand
along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and
meaningfully said...."Clean my house."
Sent in by Devett McDuff - Houston, TX
Lost Wife
I was in Wal-Mart the other day and I walked up to a young and lovely woman
and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you talk to me a couple
of minutes?"
The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a pretty woman, my wife appears out of
nowhere."
Bad Day for Bubba
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he
had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, and
medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said,
"Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for
the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the
nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked,
"Where?" Bubba said, "Outside on the truck Where do you want me to unload 'em??"
Is it Because I'm Blond?
There was once a blond girl that went to Kindergarten. One day, when she
came back from Kindergarten, she asked her mom "Mom, other kids can recite
the ABC's only up to "F" but I can recite it all the way to "Z". Is it
because I'm blond?"
The mother answered, "Yes honey, it's because your blond."
The next day, the blond girl came back from kindergarten and asked "Mommy,
other kids can only count up to 13 but I can count up to 100. Is it because
I'm blond?"
The mother once again answered "Yes honey, It's because your blond."
On the third day, the blond girl came back from kindergarten and asked
"Mommy, other kids are small but I'm as big as my teacher, is it because I'm
blond?"
The mother answered "No honey, it's because your 20"
Southern Thinking...
Georgia:
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into
his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Georgia and I
need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you
take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my
earrings.'
Alabama :
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
weight of an eight-point buck.
'Where's Henry?' the others asked..
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,'
the successful hunter replied. 'You left Henry laying out there and carried
the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter.
'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
Louisiana :
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying...
'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana '
When asked why, he replied 'Because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years
later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Mississippi :
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to
his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking
lot!' Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was? 'The young man answered,
'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'
Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
South Carolina :
A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one
behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene
as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked
the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.' The
passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?' The man responded, 'When you
break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.
I never did understand it either.'
And My favorite:
You can say what you want about the South, But you never hear of anyone
retiring and moving North!!!!
Kids !!!!
A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she
presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and
asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to
believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may
surprise you.
While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds,
because the last one is a classic !
1. Don't change horses .......until they stop running.
2. Strike while the .............................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ............termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ........how?
6. Don't bite the hand that .................looks dirty.
7. No news is ..........................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ............Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ............... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ..............stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust .............. me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ................... pigs.
13. An idle mind is .............the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ................. pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ............gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ......................not much.
17. Two's company, three's .............. the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .......... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ...........you have
to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ............Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ...............spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed .........get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you .......see in the picture on the
box.
24. When the blind lead the blind .... get out of the way.
And the WINNER and the last one...
25. Better late than .............pregnant!
The Downing Man
A man's boat had capsized in the ocean and he was in the water praying for
help. "Dear God, please don't let me drown."
Another boat pulled up and offered to pick him up but he declined saying,
"That's okay, I know that God will save me."
A second boat came by and again offered to pick him but once again he
declined saying, "Thanks, but I prayed to God and I know that he won't let
me drown."
Left alone in the ocean, the man finally succumbed and drowned. He died and
went to Heaven. Upon his arrival, he asked God, "Why didn't you answer my
prayer to help me from drowning?"
God replied, "You dummy, I sent two boats to save you."
Mighty Mouse
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night
trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse
orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to
the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set
it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench
press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the
cheese."
The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly
breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies,
"Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it
home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can
get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third
mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for
all this bull. I gotta go home and screw the cat."
Three words that describe Britney Spears:
My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, plastic and full of
viruses.
Yankees -vs- Red Sox
A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up
except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would
you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
The Bat Bet
Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three
castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most
blood.
The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The
other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk.
The first bat said, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three
people." The second bat goes out on his night and comes back with blood
around his mouth. The other two bats are astonished and ask how many
people's blood had he drunk. The bat said, "See that castle over there. I
drank the blood of five people."
The third bat goes out on his night and comes back covered in blood. This
was totally amazing to the other two bats. They ask how much blood he drank.
The 3rd bat said, "See that castle over there?" and the other bats nod.
"Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."
Wild Irish Ho's
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return,
her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a
line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum
thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family."
"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5
million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new
Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership
to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to
spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."
What did O.J. Simpson say after the trial? Can I have my gloves back now?
Three Strikes You're Out
A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team
of horses. When one of the hoses stumbled, he said, "That's once."
Then it stumbled again. He said, "That's twice."
Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn't say anything, just
pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse dead.
His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and
said, "That's once."
Drunk Driver
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the
highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
''I can't do that, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that
tube.''
''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''
''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''
''Fine then, just walk this white line.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm drunk.''
Adam Talks All About Eve
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam
told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have
her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why
did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
Blond Father
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a
baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed
her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In
the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the
other father!?!"
Adventures in Disneyland
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road.
The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.
Job Fair
A jock and a geek were applying for the same job. The HR Manager said,
"Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who would get
the job. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going
to choose the geek."
The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers
were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek
answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered,
'Me either'.
Cab Driver
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and
all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the
truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His
mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those
ladies have?"
"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.
Good 'ol Cowboys
A cowboy gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper
started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing
that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what
they're called.
But I never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're
called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the
back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment
later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"
No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement
to call y'all a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool
them flies though."
EVER WONDER?
EVER WONDER Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Dogs and more...
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket
then giving Fido only two of them.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should
have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read.
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this.
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea.
Walmart Cat
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her
cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail
over to WALMART!
Why WALMART???
HELLOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
Update: New that passed recently...
Now all unfit mothers under the influence of alcohol or any drug related
substance may drop off their unwanted children at any police station, fire
station or Kevin Federline’s house.
Coin Toss
A blonde and a brunette are at a restaraunt, waiting for their bill. The
blonde happens to see a penny on the ground. She picks it up and turns to
the brunette.
"Why don't we flip the coin, and the loser has to pay for dinner?" She asks.
The brunette thinks it over then agrees. "I'll flip it." Says the blonde.
She flips the coin and covers the result with her hand. "Call it."
"Heads." the brunette says.
"Almost. Guess again."
Suidie Bomber
Abdul was meditating, getting prepared to strap on a suicide bomb, when
suddenly his friend Ahmed appeared to him in his dream.
"Ahmed, bless Alah! Soon I will be joining you in paradise."
"Abdul, you might not want to be so quick to go blow your self up."
"Why? Isn't it all that we've been told it is in heaven?"
"Well yes, it is very nice, but the 72 virgins aren't what they're cracked
up to be."
"Really? Why do you say that?"
"You ever see what kind of person dies a virgin?"
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from
the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and
supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE
THERE!!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up
she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in
the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out
to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and
found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him
Black Boxes
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
"covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5 years,
whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel
drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents,
the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were not surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the recorded last
words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh No!"
Only Tennessee, Georgia, and Alabama were different, where 89.3 percent of
the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
A Blonde Joke
A blonde, A brunette, and a red-head all died in a car crash, and they all
went to heaven at the same time.
They arrive at the gates of heaven, when God appears and tells them they
must pass a laughter test, if they fail, they will be sent to hell.
The objective was to climb 100 stairs without laughing. Each stair will have
it's own joke.
The Brunette goes first, and laughs at the 46th stair.
The Red-Head goes second, and laughs at the 77th stair.
The Blonde, makes all the way to the 100th step, when she suddenly bursts
out with laughter.
God asks "Why are you laughing now?"
The Blonde says "I just got the first joke!".
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells
mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the
problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the
gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews
lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by
pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the
airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had
an accident.
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost
replaced left inside main tire.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not
installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in
cockpit.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence
removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more
believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That's what
friction locks are for.
Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF
mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after
brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up,
fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
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