BlueSkySearch - Fresh Jokes

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well asmaintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
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Australian Lingo

An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry into earth's
atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in the Australian bush, way
out in the middle of nowhere.

After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush clinic, very
rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged from head to foot.

He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he
lies in his cot.

"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.

"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterday."
Australian Lingo

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Picture For Grandma

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style ..........it makes your nose look too short."

Love Grandma
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Bottle Trouble

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

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Donkey In The Well

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW --------

Enough of that nicey nicey . . .

The donkey later came back and bit the dickens out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

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Fridge

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

The lady replied "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing".

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Short and Sweet!

Man says to Dr: I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam. Dr says: Calm down calm down you're too tents.

Why do women gain weight after they get married? .... Single women come home, look in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, look in the bed, and go to the fridge.

.A snail gets mugged by a gang of turtles. When the cops show up and ask him what happened he replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

Why did the snail paint an "s" on his car? So that when he drove down the street, his friends would say, "look at that s- car go!"

3 strings walk into a bar. First one orders a drink. Bartender says we don't serve your kind in here. So the second string ties itself into a bow and proceeds to order a drink. Nope, says the bartender, you're a string. Third string ties itself into a knot and frays each end. Orders a drink. Bartender eyes the string up and down and says, aren't you a string? And the string says, frayed knot!

What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.

I never make mistakes...I thought I did once; but I was wrong.

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

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The Gorilla and the Redneck

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "she must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."

Once again it was agreed.

And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."

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State of the Art

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect!"
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
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Lot's Wife

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
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Ugly Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
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Dog Tricks

A man walked into a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog knew how to play poker amazingly well.
"Wow, that's got to be the smartest dog I've ever seen!" the man commented.
"He's not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
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''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
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'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''Im busy on Tuesdays.''
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I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
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''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
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This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband,

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,

And if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

Family Dinner Party

My wife hosted a Holiday dinner party for family, far and wide, and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.

During dinner, my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet waiting for her response.

My little niece said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
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Ed decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart."
Ed gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
”I wasn't!“

Job Posting Truth

Posted by the Illinois Valley News: "How bad do you want to be a reporter? Bad enough to work nights and weekends? In exchange for your long hours and tireless efforts, you will be rewarded with low pay and marginal health insurance."

_____________________________

Facebook Love

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," she was the first one to click Like.

_________________________

Proud Mom

I want to have a kid the way other people want to own stock in Google: I don't want to be responsible for it; I just want to go to parties and talk about how well it's doing.

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Finding the Right Words

When someone tells you that something defies description, you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway.

_________________________

Good Qualities

We asked prospective job applicants at our business to fill out a questionnaire. For the line "Choose one word to summarize your strongest professional attribute," one woman wrote, "I'm very good at following instructions."

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How to Ruin an Interview

When you're interviewing for a job, you want to make an impression.

Hiring managers report that these people made one-just not the right kind:

Applicant hugged hiring manager at the end of the interview.

Applicant ate all the candy from the candy bowl while trying to answer questions.

Applicant blew her nose and lined up the used tissues on the table in front of her.
Applicant wore a hat that said "I'd rather be fishing."

Applicant talked about how an affair cost him a previous job.

Applicant threw his beer can in the outside trash can before coming into the reception area.

Applicant's friend came in and asked, "How much longer?"

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Best Reason to Strike

Workers at the Carlsberg brewery in Denmark walked off the job after losing a prized perk: unlimited beer at work. They now have to settle for three beers at lunch. A worker told the Wall Street Journal that wasn't enough: "I need a beer when I take a cigarette break."

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Job Search

The toughest part of applying for a new job is having to explain why you're no longer at your previous one. Here are rationalizations from cover letters that did no one any good:

"My boss thought I could do better elsewhere."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my previous employer."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job hopping.' I have never quit a job."

"Responsibility make me nervous."

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:

Life is simpler for men.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color..

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Randy Travis True Story

This is a true story told by Randy Travis in concert. I'm not sure if the story is true but it's true that Randy Travis told it. Here goes:

I went to see a relative in a nursing home the other day and while I was there a nurse came in and asked it I would be so kind as to come meet some of the other patients in the nursing home.

I said or course I would. So we walked down the hall and into the first room where two senior citizens were sitting. For whatever reason, the nurse introduced me by saying, "Do you know who this person is?"

One of the Seniors replied, "Well no, I can't say that I rightly know who you are, but if you go to the main desk they will tell you."

Doctor Doctor

A doctor examining a woman, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

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Swim Suit

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
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My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

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Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the laundry is building up!"

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I saw a poor old lady slip and fall on the ice!! At least I presume she was
poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

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EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Road Rage. . .

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Priceless!

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 25 MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-Five miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 25 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask..Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 110."

UNIVERSAL LAWS

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

ER Doctor

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

Graveside Services

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Helps with Housework, owns a BMW and a mansion on the beach and has a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Life’s Unanswered Questions

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why are SOFTballs hard?

If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?

Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

What do you call a female daddy long legs?

Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?

Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice"?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.

Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?

Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?

Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?

Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?

Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?

How did the headless horseman know where he was going?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?

Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?

How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?

If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?

Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?

If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?

Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?

Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?

Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?

If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?

Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?

Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?

How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?

Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?

The Price Of Oranges

Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She
approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?"

"Two for a quarter," answered the vendor.

"How much is just one?" she asked.

"Fifteen cents," answered the vendor.

"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.

Life Spans

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

Perfect Eyesight

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

Operating Room

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

R.I.P.

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

Late For Class

A little girl, dresses in her "Sunday best" was late and running to her Sunday school class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear God, please don't let me be late. Dear God, please don't let me be late." Then she fell.

She got up, dusted her self off and saw that her dress was now dirty and had a little tear. She started running again, still praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late." But this time she added, "But please don't push me, either!"

Knock at the Door

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

Stringing Along

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Donkeyboy

Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, "Hey Donkeyboy, get me a drink." The bartender gets him a drink.

Bob says, "Donkeyboy, get me another drink." The bartender gets him another drink.

Finally, Jim asks the bartender, "Why does he call you Donkeyboy?"

"I don't know. Hehaw-hehaw-he always calls me that."

Tort Reform

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a Coke."

"No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the Coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, think I'll have one too."

Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked.

"This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?"

A Beggar

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said ''I haven't eaten anything in four days.''

She looked at him and said, ''God, I wish I had your willpower.''

Man of the House...

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow morning, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The freakin' funeral director would be my first guess."

Police Emergency

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Cop and the Juggler

A Cop pulled a car over for speeding.

When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.

The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my butt to jail, cause there's NO way I’ll pass that test."

Giants, Jets and Cowboys

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid dog. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Walk the Line

A police officer pulls over a man who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. The officer goes up to the man's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube."

Man: "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

The officer: "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

Man: "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

The officer: "Well, then we need a urine sample."

Man: "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

The officer: "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

Man: "I can't do that, officer."

The officer: "Why not?"

Man: "Because I'm too drunk to do that."

Hearing Test

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

An elderly gentleman.....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

The Fottle Inventor

A man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle."

"A fottle? That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton."

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."

"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

Frog Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief but takes a loan form out of her drawer. "May I please have your name?"

The frog puffs himself up proudly. "Kermit Jagger, my dad is Mick Jagger and I'm a friend of the bank manager."

Pattie's eyes widen, but she continues filling in the application. "Mr. Jagger, you will need to secure the loan with some collateral."

"I have this," the frog says and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Pattie blinks at the elephant several times. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to consult with the manager on this." She takes the elephant and disappears into a back office.

Pattie walks up to the manager. "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "What in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her with a straight face. "It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Blonde Watches The News

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and,there is that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

Fruits and Vegetables

A man visits a doctor with a banana in his left ear, a carrot up his nose, and a cucumber in his right ear.

"Well doc - what do you think's wrong with me??"

"Easy" says the doctor "you're not eating properly"

Doctor Doctor

A man goes into a doctor's surgery and says, "Help! I think I'm a moth!"

The doctor says, "Well, I can't help you, I'm only a GP. You need the psychiatrist next door. Why on earth did you come to me?"

And the man says, "Your light was on."

English as the Official Language of Europe

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "0" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas…

English To Confuse Foreign Learners

The farm was used to produce produce.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
The bandage was wound around the wound.

Marriage Made in Heaven

One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole - killing them both instantly.

The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he'll get back with them on that request.

A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can - in fact - get married in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if things don't work out will we be able to get a divorce?"

With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here... you really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?"

Why it’s nice to be a dog…

No one expects you to take a bath every day.

Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.

When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.

If it itches, you can reach it.

And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.

You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.

If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.

You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap

Having big feet is considered an asset.

If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.

No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.

No matter where you live, you own the place.

Your mate never complains because you whine.

Puppy love can last

The Old Professor poses the following problem to one of his classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his hand and says, “A lawyer?”

IDIOTS AT WORK

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg."

IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

The New Living Will Form

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for:
( please initial all that apply )

_________ a pizza
_________ a beer
_________ a steak
_________ a kiss
_________ coffee or a latte
_________ the remote control
_________ a bowl of ice cream
_________ chocolate
_________ cookies
_________ sex

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of Congress enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own sweet business, and pay attention instead to the future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.

Signature:___________________ Witness: _____________________

Texas Water Rights

A Texas Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.'

The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately ran to the fence and shouted out....."Your card! Show him your card!'

The Mechanic vs. the Surgeon

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a
look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? "Come on ova' here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."

The Golden Telephone

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone.

The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Brownwood, Texas. Upon entering a church there, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now. This is God's country... and it's a local call."

Predicting the Weather

Did you hear about the TV weatherman who, despite his training and sparkling credentials, ran into a terrible unlucky streak?

He became something of a local joke. The town’s newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions. A year later, the paper reported that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

Unable to handle the pressure, the station manager fired him.

So the meteorologist moved far away and applied for another job as a TV weathermen. When he got to the question on the application about why he had left his last job, he wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”.

Rifle Range Trouble

A new Army recruit was on the rifle range. He fired 50 shots and completely missed the target with every shot!

His Drill Instructor called him to attention and got in his face. “What’s the matter with you?” shouted the DI. “Why can’t you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?”

“I was a Cable TV repair man,” replied the recruit, “and I don’t know why I can’t hit the target. Let me see…”

The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again and then checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger and blew the end of his finger off!

“Well,” the phone man said, writhing in pain, “the bullets are leaving this end here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!”.

Diet Soda

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. (This rule also applies to mixed drinks. Example: rum and diet coke)

Ten Commandments for “Working Hard”

1. Never walk without a document in your hands

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy

Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there - it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed

According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking Strategy

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build Vocabulary

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10. MOST IMPORTANT:

DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

Heaven's Gate

Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.

The doctor said Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work.

The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said, I havent won any prizes, but Ive started free clinics and helped those in need for free. St. Peter let him in.

The third doctor said, Im responsible for all the HMOs across the United States.

St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, OK… Ill let you in, but only for three days!

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles dont hurt.

One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere… and let the air out of their tires.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Todays mighty oak is just yesterdays nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. Its like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

If you can remain calm, you just dont have all the facts.

You know youre getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

The Czechoslavokian Eye Test

A Czechoslavokian immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Czech guy replied, "I know the guy."

Why We Split Up

She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore. Too bad, but I would have to quit drinking.

Then the next day I caught her spending $65.00 on a tiny bottle of make-up.

I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that wasn't necessary, that's what the beer was for!

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife are having major problems after 15 years of marriage, so they go to a counselor.

The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife launches into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her very passionately. The woman shuts up and stares at him quietly in a daze.

The counselor then turns to the husband and says, "Your wife is lonely. This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Tuesdays I play poker, Thursdays I go bowling, and Fridays I go sailing. Do you work Saturdays?"

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

The Rabbit in the Refrigerator

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

To which the lady replied, "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

The Beatles

I’ve just completed The Beatles: Rock Band, and it’s got the most depressing ending ever.

John gets shot, Paul gets divorced, George gets cancer, and Ringo lives.

Word Play

How subtle is the b in subtle?

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Grapefruit Juice

There is a lot more juice in grapefruit than meets the eye.

You can say this for ready-mixes...the next generation isn't going to have any trouble making pies exactly like grandmother used to make.

My sister answered an advertisement for a typist to work on a book on weather forecasting. She gave her typing speed as: "Approximately 55 w.p.m. with occasional gusts of 60 to 65 w.p.m. She got the job.

Passport Photo

For my grandfather's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. "That was a nice shot," I commented.

"It's my passport picture," he revealed.

"Really?" I stared in complete amazement at my homebody grandpa. "Where did you ever go?"

"Walgreens," he replied.

Dad: Do you want some help using the Internet, son?

Son: No thanks, Dad, I can screw it up all by myself.

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural- history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police.

By the time you realize your mother was right, you have a daughter who thinks you're wrong.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

GREETING CARDS: When you care enough to send the very best but not enough to actually write something.

Thought for the Day: Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.

Airline Safety

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll but try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally evryone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways.

Good Sport

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players,

"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach.

"Now go over there and explain it to your father."

Warms Your Heart

Every once in a while you receive a cute e-mail that warms your heart and you just want to pass it along.

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "Aren't you the smart one! What the heck do you think?"

Really Bad Bar Jokes

A horse walks up to the bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

An 800 pound gorilla walks into the bar. The bartender says, "Sit anywhere you want."

The Geico Caveman walks into a bar and sees the Geico Gecko sitting on a barstool. The Caveman sits next to the Gecko, looks down at him and smiles and says, "Better drink up because you ain't getting out of here alive you little bigot!"

The congressman walks up to the bartender whose name is Bill and says, "I just voted on the stimulus bill, Bill and now I need a little stimulus, Bill."

The New York Times has changed motto from "All the News That's Fit to Print" to: "All the News That's Been Fixed to Print."

Headhunters!

A missionary was going in to the most remote section of Africa. He found a native that would take him upstream to a tribe of headhunters cut off from civilization. In the distance they could hear drums. "What is that drumming?" he asked nervously. The native replied, "Drums okay, but if they stop it would be very bad".

The drums continued for 3 days as they got closer to the headhunters' village. Then without warning the drums suddenly stopped. The forest fell eerily silent. With panic in his voice, the missionary calls out to the guide, "The drums have stopped! What happens now?" The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and with despair in his voice, answered, "Tuba solo."

What Would You Say?

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

Words Women Use and Their Meanings - WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE

this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Oh, and before we forget ...

"Whatever"

...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

The Jerk

Morty was in his usual place that morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

Changing Times in the Mid East

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti women replied, "Land mines."

Growing Up

Nature has many laws that hold fast and true. For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon will become an adult baboon. A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig. A baby jackass will always become a jackass. A puppy quickly matures into a dog; a mongrel pup develops into a cur.

Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one of these.

Overheard:

"Has your husband lived up to all the things he said before you were married?"

"No, He's only lived up to one of them."

"Which one was that?"

"He said he wasn't good enough for me."

An Old Prospector……

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- and just never wanted to.' A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow.. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.

The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

There are two lessons for us all here: 1. Don't waste ammunition. 2. Don't mess with old people.

How the Stimulus Plan Will Work

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

"The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the WhiteHouse official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

What is a Billion?

How many zeros in a billion???

This is too true to be funny...

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of it's releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New Orleans ....

It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D) is presently asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans .. Interesting number... what does it mean?

A. Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, and child) you each get $516,528.

B. Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C. Or... if you are a family of four... your family gets $2,066,012.

Imagine, now $700 billion bailing out banks in theUS. That's enough to fund complete medical care for every man, woman and child currently alive in theUS for 11 years!!

50 billion to bail out the auto industry???

Washington , D.C. & Ottawa ON.

< HELLO!!! >

Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax

Building Permit Tax

CDL License Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Dog License Tax

Federal Income Tax , Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Fuel Permit Tax

Gasoline Tax

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax

IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)

IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)

Liquor Tax

Luxury Tax

Marriage License Tax

Medicare Tax

Propert y Tax

Real Estate Tax

Service charge taxes

Social Security Tax

Road Usage Tax (Truckers)

Sales Taxes

Recreational Vehicle Tax

School Tax

State Income Tax

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)

Telephone Federal Excise Tax

Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax upon Tax

Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax

Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax

Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax

Telephone State and Local Tax

Telephone Usage Charge Tax

Utility Tax

Vehicle License Registration Tax

Vehicle Sales Tax

Watercraft Registration Tax

Well Permit Tax

Workers Compensation Tax

Income Tax

Everything Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY???

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago... and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt... We had the largest middle class in the world... What happened?

The Spry Old Gentleman

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

Oh Ted

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.

Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.

Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."

Testify in Court

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

A TEXAS Wife

Three men married wives from different states. The first man married a woman from Michigan. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Missouri. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from TEXAS. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

Hymn #365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

General Manager

A sales rep, an admin clerk and the general manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the GM. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say.

House of the Rising Sun

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick, well dressed gentleman.

She asked, "Can I help you?"

"I want to see Natalie," he replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps you should see someone else." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appears and announced to the man that she charged $10,000 per visit.

Without blinking the man reached into his pocket and handed her $10,000. The two went up to the room for an hour.

The next night he appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that it was rare for anyone to come back two nights in a row and that there was no discount, her price remained at $10,000 a visit. Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later he left. When he showed up on the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie $10,000, and they went up to the room.

At the end of an hour Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever used my services for three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The gentleman replied, "I'm from Phoenix." "Really," she replied. "I have family there!" "Yes, I know," said the gentleman. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney.

She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."

Moral of the story - some things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. and being screwed by an attorney (one way or the other).

You're Next.

I always hated weddings because the elderly would come over and poke me saying "You're next.". They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.

Christmas Gift Thank You Notes

One Christmas, mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.

As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.

The next year things were different, however.

"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"

"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and......

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Blondes Getting Christmas Tree

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm
chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

A Dog's Rules For Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

a. Don't pee on the tree

b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree

c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree

d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open

e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans

b. Don't eat off the buffet table

c. Beg for goodies subtly

d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa

e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:

a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)

b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house

c. Tolerate children

d. Turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
DON'T BITE HIM!!

The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas

Dec. 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving,
Emily

Dec. 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
Emily

Dec. 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank-you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted,
Emily

Dec. 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily

Dec. 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humour. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what shemeans. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you,
Emily

Dec. 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love,
Emily

Dec. 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!
Your Emily

Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily

Jan. 2
Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behaviour at once!
Emily

Jan 3
As I write this letter, 10 disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are being a nuisance with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily

Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're satisfied.

Jan 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep
Attorney at law

Saying The Right Thing

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

9 Jokes That Can Be Told In Church

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why the groom wearing black?"

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

Dead Horse

Young Chuck moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next Day he drove up and said, "Sorry, Son, but I have some bad news, The horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened With that dead horse?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a Piece and made a net profit of $898.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck grew up and now works for the government.

Good Excuse

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on Highway 101 for a nice evening drive. the top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 140 mph he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes, "he thought to himself and opened her up further. the needle hit 150,160...

Then the reality of the situation hit him. " what in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him took his license without a word and examined it and the car." It's been a long day,"said the cop "this is the end of the shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like doing anymore paper work, so if can give me an excuse for your driving that i haven't heard before, you can go."

They guy thinks for a second and says," Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

Have a nice weekend," said the officer

Attorneys

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Top 8 Idiots of 2000

Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Idiot # 3 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Idiot # 4 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Idiot # 5 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot # 6 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot # 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.

The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash.

The clerk turned him down because he said the couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

You know you're living in 2008 when.....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Mistakes on a resume - These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs, yet..."

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"Not sure, they just game me a check and told me to leave..."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"I asked my boss for a raise, he told me I could get a raise when he does."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

"Talking about my personal interests and long walks on the beach."

"Traveling, reading, running, biking, jumping, swimming, jogging, bungee jumping, sky diving, underwater diving, base jumping, pole vaulting, fly-fishing, golfing, skateboarding, ice skating, bowling, poker, binge drinking, sleeping and family."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

The resume bloopers - These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Dear Abbey,

I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.

My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.

Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.

I love this girl very much and want to marry her.

My problem is this:

Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?

Sincerely, Larry

The Brass Rat

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter. The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it. The man said, "Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story."

He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked--the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did--and all the rats drowned.

He returned to the store shortly and when he walked in, the proprietor said, "Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?" "No," replied the man, "I came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!"

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

How Smart Is Your Right Foot? Trust me try this, it takes only few seconds.

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.. Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so.. And there is nothing you can do about it.

Things I've Learned

I'm safe from identity theft, no one wants to be me.

Great people in history have one thing in commom, they are all psychos.

Yogurt is not now and will not ever be a substiute for ice cream.

Thanksgiving is wrong, you get the day off but you have to spend it with your family.

Rumor has it, that people are having children on purpose.

God bless America. (But not any of those other, evil countries.)

Smile, it's our only defense against gravity.

The worst part about being poor is that you have to live among poor people.

Behind every success story is another story about someone having that same exact idea 5 years earlier.

Denial: The first step is admitting that there are no problems.

If you want revenge on a married man, just call his house and and hang up every time his wife answers.

The whoopie cushion is the seat of all humor.

Men are free to do whatever they please, just as long as their wife okays it.

We cheer Robin Hood when he steals from the rich and gives to the poor, but detest the poor when they do the same thing.

In a hundred years you won't have to worry about money.

It's okay to be late as long as you bring donuts.

Soccer is the only game you can say- "We killed em' 2-0."

Arguements between your spouse and you rarely end with whatever.

Never, under any circumstance, not even once in a while, is it okay to wear socks with sandals.

The two cruelest words ever linked together, mandatory meeting.

Never trust a story that has been told more than once.

The best weight loss system is sticking a mirror inside of your fridge.

A Crowbar From K-Mart

A redneck is sitting in a bar drinking minding his own business when a large asian man goes over to him and knocks him off his chair. He then tells the redneck, " That was a karate chop from Korea." The redneck is mad but he gets up and goes back to drinking. All of a sudden the asian man knocks him over again and says, " That was a judo chop from Korea." The redneck is real mad now so he leaves and comes back an hour later. He goes over to the asian man and knocks him off the stool knocking him out cold. He turns at the bartender and says, " When he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from K-Mart."

Billy-Bob at the Bar

Billy-Bob walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hm?" Billy-Bob says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Billy-Bob comes back into the bar and says Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!" Billy-Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"

The Boy Buys a Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

We know what a Porsche costs.."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

What your Brain is Worth

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

Praise Be to Allah…

An old Arabian man who lives in central USA wants to dig around the earth so he can plant tomatoes. However, he is too old to do so, so he e-mails his son, who studies in Paris.

Dear Son,

Ah, I wanted to plant Tomatoes in my garden today, but I am too old and weak to dig around the ground. If only you were here, I would be certain you would help me.

Allah be with you,

Your father.

A few hours later, he gets an e-mail back:

Dear father,

Please do not dig around the ground in the garden. It's where I hid...The THING!".

Allah be with you,

Your dearest son.

Only 15 minutes after the man had received his e-mail, the cops, the FBI and the CIA came knocking at his door and started to dig around his garden. When they didn't find anything, they left disappointed.

One hour later, the father receives another mail:

Dear father,

I would assume your garden has been dug around by now. It was my honor to help you.

Allah be with you,

Your dearest son.

DIE-vorce

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce"

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

Stocks vs Bud

If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the deposit, you would have $80.

It is therefore financially prudent in these troubled times to drink heavily and recycle.

One Liners

I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..

How It All Began

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race begin?"
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by
God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers.'

Hearing Aids

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Hearing Aids 2

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."

Need a Hearing Aid

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' "

Can't Remember

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble ta

sk, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

Mixed Emotions

How would you define "Mixed emotions?"

It's like seeing your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new Porsche.

Satan comes for a visit

Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed. The devil decides to pay a visit. The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The farmer replies, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

Billboards

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God

C'mon over and bring the kids. -God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God

Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God

Need directions? -God

You think it's hot here? -God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God

Do you have any idea where you're going? -God

Don't make me come down there. -God

Saddam Hussein's Hanging

Saddam Hussein had no sooner died than finding himself in hell, face to face with the Genie who he had found as a child.

"You are a horrible Genie! You failed me with my three wishes!"

"No I didn't, Saddam...let's review...

You wished to be a great leader of your country. This came true, no?"

"Yes it did, but"

"You wished to be wealthy beyond your wildest dreams?"

"And this too, came true, but..."

"And the third wish, you remember what that was, didn't you?"

"Yes, I wanted to be well hung...but that's not what I meant!!!"

The Trucker and the Priest

One day this trucker is driving on a route from New York to Toronto and usually when he is driving he likes to swerve and hit lawyers who happen to be hitch hiking.

So one day he sees a priest hitch hiking, being the religious man that he is, decides to pick him up.

After about two hours he forgets that the priest is even there and proceeds to hit a lawyer he sees. As he is just about to hit him he realizes who is beside him and straightens himself back on the road.

Much to his dismay he still hears a thump so he turns to the priest and says

"Please forgive me father."

The priest turns to him and replies,

"It is alright, I got him with my door.

Bathtub Sanity Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Stand Up Moron

One day a college professor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand.

After a minute a young man stood up. The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron. The kid replied, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

Cat On A Hot Tin Roof

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

Country Politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them politicians lie."

KFC: Marketing Strategy

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.

Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''

Hack Golfer

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Lemon Squeezer

The local restaurant was so sure that its host was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The host would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

Then one day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the host said "OK," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the host paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Things Found Only In America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Southern University Psychology

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of Joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of Depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what is the opposite of Woe?"

The Texan replied, "Giddy up'?"

LAPD and the Rabbit

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Teacher and Pupil

Teacher : If you had 50 cents in one pocket and you asked your dad for another 50 cents, what would you have?

Pupil : 50 cents

Teacher : You obviously don't know how to add.

Pupil : You obviously don't know my dad!

Help Wanted - CIA Assassin

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Help Wanted - Pirate

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: Arrr. It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

Texas Trooper

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''
The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''

''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.

''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.

''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that jerk trooper would have tried that crap with me!'''

Two Arkansans...

Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road. One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.

"Chickens, eh?" says his friend. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag. "You guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

"Um...five?"

Respectfully Cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me!

So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the country club and you were 17 votes short?"

One hungry Bush...

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order.

Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

Bird Flu Virus

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands. Turkey is next.

I'm voting for Monica Lewinsky's ex-boyfriend's wife!

A Female Joke

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition"'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand
along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said...."Clean my house."

Sent in by Devett McDuff - Houston, TX

Lost Wife

I was in Wal-Mart the other day and I walked up to a young and lovely woman and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you talk to me a couple of minutes?"

The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a pretty woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Bad Day for Bubba

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?" Bubba said, "Outside on the truck Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

Is it Because I'm Blond?

There was once a blond girl that went to Kindergarten. One day, when she came back from Kindergarten, she asked her mom "Mom, other kids can recite the ABC's only up to "F" but I can recite it all the way to "Z". Is it because I'm blond?"

The mother answered, "Yes honey, it's because your blond."

The next day, the blond girl came back from kindergarten and asked "Mommy, other kids can only count up to 13 but I can count up to 100. Is it because I'm blond?"

The mother once again answered "Yes honey, It's because your blond."

On the third day, the blond girl came back from kindergarten and asked "Mommy, other kids are small but I'm as big as my teacher, is it because I'm blond?"

The mother answered "No honey, it's because your 20"

Southern Thinking...

Georgia:
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

Alabama :
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
'Where's Henry?' the others asked..
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied. 'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter.
'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

Louisiana :
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying...
'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana '
When asked why, he replied 'Because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi :
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!' Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was? 'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'

Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

South Carolina :
A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.' The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?' The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it either.'

And My favorite:
You can say what you want about the South, But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North!!!!

Kids !!!!

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.

While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic !

1. Don't change horses .......until they stop running.

2. Strike while the .............................bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before ......Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of ............termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ........how?

6. Don't bite the hand that .................looks dirty.

7. No news is ..........................................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a ............Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new ............... math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ..............stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust .............. me.

12. The pen is mightier than the ................... pigs.

13. An idle mind is .............the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's ................. pollution.

15. Happy the bride who ............gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ......................not much.

17. Two's company, three's .............. the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .......... you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ...........you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as ............Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ...............spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed .........get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you .......see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind .... get out of the way.

And the WINNER and the last one...

25. Better late than .............pregnant!