Fairly Fresh Jokes - Page 2

Smart parrot...........!!!!

A lady was walking down the street to work, and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, as you can imagine, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot, and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "WOW lady, you are still really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird if the manager didn't take care of this problem.

The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work, the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She stopped and said, "Yes?"

The bird paused, then said, "You know."
 

The Popular Mule

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
 

Love at First Sight

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

''Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,'' she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. ''Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.''

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They spent the night together. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed and said ''You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?''

''No, she replied. "You just happened to catch my eye!''
 

Wine Tasting

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, “I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”

“Thank God,” says an elderly nun in the back. “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”
 

The Scotsman

A Scotsman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his cupped hand.

The Scotsman shouts "Awa ya gowk yon's foo o' coos skitter"

(Translation - Don't drink the water you fool it's full of cow manure)

The man shouts back " I'm English! Speak English! I don't understand you!"

The Scotsman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in".
 

Math Grade

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."

His father replies, "What happened?"

The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said '6.'"

The father replies, "Well, that's correct."

The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"

The father then replies, "Well, what the hell is the difference?"

The boy says, "Well that's what I said!"
 

The Mental Patient

Jim and Lynette were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Lynette promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Lynette's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Lynette the news he said, "Lynette, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Lynette replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
 

The Gong Show

Delbert was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the Newfie replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup' replied the Newfie.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch' the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You jerk! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
 

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing.

2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.
 

Panhandling

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.

Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"

Carlos looks at Jose's sign.

It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
 

Sisters of St. Francis

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices sign that reads: "Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution".

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?".

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".

He places $100 in the cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters of St. Francis!"
 

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!
 

Traffic Jam

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's happening?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon."
 

Mount Everest

11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The blondes all applauded.
 

An old guy's car collides with a young guy's car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.

The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days."

"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man is crazy.

"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."

Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren't you having any?" asks the young guy.

"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I'll wait for the police."
 

Dead Donkey

A man bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I've got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I spent it already," replied the farmer.

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What're you gonna do with him?" asked the farmer.

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!" exclaimed the farmer.

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked about what happened with the dead donkey. "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?" asked the farmer.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back."
 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
 

Why Men Have Better Friends

Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his wife's ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.

Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
 

Common Famous Last Words:

Hey yall, watch this!

Hey you! Yeah, you. You got a problem?

Honey, wait, I can explain!

Praise be to Allah!!!!!

Does that smell like gas to you?

I'm telling you, that sign says we're going the wrong way!

Officer, this not a gun, it's just my comb.

Are you sure you gave the ambulance our new address?

Okay, roger that. I'm cutting the blue wire.

That dog doesn't look all that mean to me.

Don't worry, the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

I don't need those depression pills anymore.

Hey you, that sign says "No Smoking" for a reason!
 

Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta Airport..
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R. - Allah is Great.

Pause:  static..

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY
GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.
Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus.
Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- y'all hear."
 

Lawyer... Genius

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.
 

Clip Clop Bang

Q: What goes, "Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop..."
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.
 

Mom and Dad were trying to console Suzie...

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
 

One hungry Bush...

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
 

With Good Claus

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.
 

Harleys and Hoovers

You know what a Harley Davidson and a Hoover Vacuum Cleaner have in common:

They both carry dirt bags.
 

Q&A's

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (get it?)
 

Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.

Pondering...

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
 

Navajo

A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
 

Southern Medical Terms

Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die.

Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section............... A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
Coma........................... A punctuation mark.
D&C............................ Where Washington is.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema.......................... Not a friend.
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................... A small lie.
Hangnail....................... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................... A higher offer.
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................... I knew it.
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................... A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative................. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................... Pretty near killed him.
Secretion...................... Hiding something.
Seizure........................ Roman emperor.
Tablet......................... A small table.
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................... One plus one more.
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out.
Varicose....................... Near by/close by
 

Oklahoma Fan

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their back to school shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his mother, "I've decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to school".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"

Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.

The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

To which the son replies, "I've only been an Oklahoma fan for an hour and I already hate you Texas bastards."
 

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture i n focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
 

Afterlife

Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly.

Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up. All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums are not.

He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like."

Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?"

At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out,

"Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."
 

The First Man in the Bible

A Sunday School teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible was.

"Hoss." said Willie.

"Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam."

"Aw, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights."
 

Letters to a Pastor . . .

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Age 11, Anderson.

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon
about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
 

Sunday School Lesson

One Sunday, after church, Mom asked her little daughter what the Sunday school lesson was about. Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts." Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, "Be not afraid, thy Comforter is coming."
 

Sharing The Faith . . .
 

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with
you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So please give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying, "Good morning sir. I have a question for you..........Are you ready to die?"
 

Squirrels in The Church

A small town had four churches Presbyterian, Methodist, Catholic and Baptist.

All four had a serious problem with squirrels in the church. Each church in its own fashion had a meeting to deal with the problem.

The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.

The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.

The Catholics also humanely trapped them and attempted to teach them the "rhythm" method which of course did not work.

The Baptists had the best solution. They voted the squirrels in as members. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
 

No Hidding the Facts

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and
time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"

"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
 

The Pastor's Wife

On Christmas afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried."

Her husband (the Pastor) looked over at her & said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, & give a total of five
sermons. Why are you so tired?"

"Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."
 

Born in Pennsylvania

A handyman was working for a Synagogue had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work. First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Pittsburgh", and was thrown out.

He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked,
"Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Philadelphia". He was tossed out.

Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately". The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born"? The rabbi says, "Bethlehem".

Cries the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania".