Fairly Fresh Jokes - Page 5

Billy Graham Story

The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy for directions to the post office. After being told the way by the lad, the Reverend Graham thanked him, adding: "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven." "I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
 

French Wine

In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to the elite, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur."

The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary. "Could you please spell that?" she asked.

"You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."
 

T-shirt Slogans:

"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on."

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- And, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

"The trouble with life is there's no background music."

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"Procrastinate Now"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"

"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"

"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"

"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."

"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
 

Children's Favorite Philosopher

A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.

"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh."

Whatshername?

The birth of our daughter came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged.

Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"
 

The Answer is...

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
 

Bear Warning Issued

The California Dept of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth areas.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
 

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I think I've lost an electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."
 

SIGNS YOUR COMPANY IS PLANNING A LAYOFF

- Employee Benefit Plan is replaced by a copy of "Chicken Soup for the Soul".

- Old Milwaukee is beer of choice at company picnics.

- Babes in Marketing Dept. suddenly start flirting with dorky personnel manager.

- Creditors in the reception area now required to "take a number".

- Company match on 401K changed to "double or nothing".

- Company softball team down-sized to Musical Chairs.

- Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle."

- Company president now driving a Go-Ped.

- Annual holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to Denny's.

- Guard escorts you to your car each time you leave the office.

- Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.

- Receptionist gives each visitor a copy of her resume.

- Company dental plan now based in Tijuana.
 

How do you get holy water? >>> Boil the hell out of it.

How do you cook a kidney?  >>> Boil the piss out of it!!!
 

Q: What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas, and a Hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: In every one, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer house.
 

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic?

He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
 

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It's called, "Sosumi"!
 

Office Vocabulary

Ohnosecond:  That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG Mistake!

Assmosis:  The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Prairie Dogging:  When someone yells or drops something loudly in a" cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) causing heads to pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Seagull Manager:  manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything, then leaves.

Beepilepsy:  The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their cell phones or beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. This is often characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and a blank stare while stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Salmon day:  The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Chainsaw Consultant:  An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM:  Stands for "Career Limiting Move". Describes ill-advised activity such as trashing your boss whilst he is within earshot. That's a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB: " Career Limiting Blunder", eventually results in SOL.)

Adminisphere:  The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Flight risk:  Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company soon. This usually evolves into "Short Timer" after giving two week notice. "Short Timer's Attitude" describes the sudden decrease in performance which can lead to "Early Out" for bad behavior.

404:  Someone who's clueless. From the Internet error message "404: Not Found". He can't find diddly, he's just another 404.

Percussive maintenance:  The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
 

Venus & Mars

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
 

Grouchy Old Man

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

*When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.. And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,.......

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and credit card."

Sent in by Rev. John Lovelace

Yep, we actually have a certified preacher in the family! - M. Lovelace
 

Jonah and the Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

When the teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?", the little girl replied, "Then you can ask him."
 

Oklahoma Cowboy

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Oklahoma. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen harlot than let liquor touch my lips. "

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

Sent by Terry Battle, of Ft. Worth, Texas. It's true, the Good Die Young. Terry was my cousin and my friend. This was the last joke that he sent me. He had a million more.
 

It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.
 

I think the worst job in the world would have to be bank guard in Alaska. You've got 50 customers in the joint... they're all wearing ski masks. - Dennis Miller
 

Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid into a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table.
The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

"No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee, too," Bill said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen.

Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced, sternly. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
 

Male Dominance

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you allowed yourselves to be dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't really know. My wife just told me to stand here."
 

Bubba Calls 911

Betty Ruth passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
 

She's No Dummy

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister. I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"
 

It's the Thought That Counts

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where am I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
 

Answering Machines

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
 

Granddad's Wisdom

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.

A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.
 

Not So Deep Thoughts

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
 

CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded. (Jay Leno)
 

My Medical History is a Joke

I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.

After he finished all 87 pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."
 

Replacement Value

Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.

Polly told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
 

Public Speaking

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.

When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
 

Gett'in Old

You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says, "Today is Nerd Day at school, Pop. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
 

Tombstones

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.

In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went

Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More
 

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
 

A guy walks into a coat-and-tie-only restaurant and asks to be seated. The waiter says, "Sir, you don't have a coat or a tie." So, the guy goes out to his truck and gets a jacket. When he comes back in, he asks, "May I be seated?" The waiter replies, "Sir, you don't have a tie." So, the guy goes back out to his truck and puts some jumper cords around his neck. He comes back in and says, "Now may I be seated?" The waiter says, "OK, but don't go trying to start something."
 

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding
 

HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
 

A Lot to Live For

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide! So, first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!"
 

Watermelons

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".
 

Mad Cow Disease

Two cows were talking in the field one day. First Cow: "Have you heard about the Mad Cow Disease that's going around?"

Second Cow: "Yep, I herd about that. That's why I'm taking Anger Management classes."
 

The Postman's Retirement

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 30 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a drink.

As he was putting the mail in the mailbox of the last house, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside and lead him upstairs where she made mad passionate love to him.

After their lovemaking she lead him downstairs where she prepared an exquisite dinner for him. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'Aw, Screw him! Just give him a dollar.' I hope you don't mind but Dinner was my idea."
 

Christmas Stamps

A blond woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the blond. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."
 

Weddings

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"
 

Diet Coke (noun) ... A drink you buy at the convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's

What did the blonde say when she found out she was going to have a baby?

"I hope it's mine."

Why do bachelors like smart women?

Opposites attract.

I got this motor-home for my wife... Best trade I ever made!

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
 

Movie Critter

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre, who has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie.  He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts.  Don't you find it unusual?"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. He hated the book!"
 

Hollywood Squares 70's

Those of us old enough to remember the old Hollywood Squares
Game will appreciate these excerpts from the show during the 1970's.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be
at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party
and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come
out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you
get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to
say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and
a twenty.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less
with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question,
Peter, ...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are
you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy
growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects
at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
 

Magna Carta

A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?" "1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half hour!"