Fairly Fresh Jokes - Page 7

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-
called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you
have a locker room in the police station - a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker
in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that
room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt
recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated
for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win.
 

Father visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time, goes up & down the isles with his son at the local Giant Food Store.

<Dad> "Vas diss?? Powdered Orange Juice??"

<Son> "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh 'orange
juice'."

.........a few minutes later, in a different isle........

<Dad> " Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?? "

<Son> Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"

........a few minutes later, in a different isle........

<Dad> "Und give a look here!! Baby Powder !! Vat a country, vat a
country!!"
 

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK.....

* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday
 

Every night, Joe would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Joe didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Joe and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
 

No Onions

A lady goes into a greengrocer's shop and asks the produce clerk for some onions.

He says," I'm sorry, we don't have any onions."

The lady is insistent: "But you must have some."

"No lady, there's no onions".

"Oh come, come, my man, you must have some out the back for your good customers, "I'll have some of those," she says.

"Okay," says the greengrocer. "Just answer me two questions."

The woman senses victory and agrees.

"How many Cs are there in the word carrots?

"There's just one C in carrots," she says.

"Good. Now, how many Fs are there in the word onions?" he says.

"There's no F in onions."

"Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you."
 

The Atheist

There is an atheist who is walking out in the woods thinking evolution caused all of the beauty of the forest. Well along comes this 7 foot tall grizzly bear. The atheist turned around and saw the grizzly and screamed a bloodcurdling scream and runs up the hill. Then the grizzly starts chasing and closing in on him. Well just as the bear got ready to kill him he screamed save me God! Time stopped and a bright light shown in the sky and god said why should I save you after all these years of you teaching others I'm not real? The atheist replied, Lord it would be a hypocrisy to ask to be a Christian now but could you at least make the bear Christian? The Lord said O.K. Time started again and the bear took its paw away and put both together and said" Lord thank you for this food I am about to receive. Amen."
 

The Obituary of the Pillsbury Doughboy

It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following: Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillsbury spokesman. The Pillsbury doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours. As long-time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
 

Q: Why couldn't the two melons run away to get married?
A: Because they cantelope.
 

Q: Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
A: He ran out of juice
 

Carrot Story

There were three carrots living in a field, a mama carrot, a daddy carrot and a baby carrot. The field had been drying out and the field across the highway was looking good. So they decided to cross the highway to the other field. First the mama carrot goes and she makes it. Then the daddy carrot goes and he makes it. Then the baby carrot goes but he gets squished just before he makes it. So they take him to the hospital. After some time the doctor comes out and he says, "I have bad news and I have good news. The good news is your baby is going to be ok, but the bad news is he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
 

Fence Bid

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, ''Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?'' So to the back fence they all went.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, ''Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, ''Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, ''$2,700.''

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, ''You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?''

''Easy,'' he said. ''$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.''
 

You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers."

You know you're a redneck when people say you lie through your tooth!
 

Q: What does a bum call a dumpster.
A: Bed and Breakfast.
 

DeTwins

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.

"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still groggy from the anesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."

"What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?"

"He named your daughter Denise."

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"

"He named your son Denephew."
 

Smart Blonde

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A Golden Retriever.
 

A Horoscope for the Workplace

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.
 

What George W. Bush really means when he says:

"Evil doers" - Sorry ass murdering bastards!

"Bring the terrorists to Justice" - Blow 'em all to smithereens!

"Islam is a peaceful religion" - Bunch of fundamentalist killer wackos who would go crazy if I said anything else.

"Axis of Evil" - Remember what happened to the last Axis?
 

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees...

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.

"What is it that you people do at this company?"

"What is the company motto?"

"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"

"Why do you want references?"

"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"

"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"

"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"

"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"

"Does your health insurance cover pets?"

"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"

"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"

"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"

"Why am I here?"

Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during
the interview process...

I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.

At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.

I feel uneasy indoors.

Sometimes I feel like smashing things.

Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.

I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.

I get excited very easily.

Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.

I am fascinated by fire.

I like tall women.

Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.

People are always watching me.

If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.

Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.

I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.

I never get hungry.

I know who is responsible for most of my troubles

If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.

I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.

My legs are really hairy.

I think I'm going to throw-up.
 

Performance Evaluations - Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.
 

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
 

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
 

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and got passed around, came back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, went to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff... church, church, church."
 

Quotes from employee appraisal reports...

1. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

3. I would not allow this associate to breed.

4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

6. He would be out of his depth in a puddle.

7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

8. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

9. This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.

10. This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
 

Ten Signs You Need a Really Long Vacation

• You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

• You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.

• You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

• You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

• You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

• You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

• You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.

• You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

• You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

• You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

First Name Basis

The manager of a large buying office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked him.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My full name is John Darling."

"Okay..... John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
 

Consultant

The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a Ag Science degree and five years of experience."

The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why 'one armed'?"

The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase 'on the other hand'."
 

Length of lunch breaks is directly proportional to the size of pay checks.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
 

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
 

On the Job Training

A young man, hired by a produce distributor, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "your first job will be to sweep out the warehouse."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."
 

HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
 

HR Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
 

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
 

Trade Accounts Receivable

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a truckload of vegetables totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
 

Produce Questions to ask a Know-It-All

Q: Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
A: Asparagus and Rhubarb

Q: What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
A: Strawberries

Q: It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
A: Lettuce
 

Professional Witness

An eminent psychologist was called to testify in court. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.

Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."
 

Questions to enter Heaven

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500."

"That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
 

What does your dad do?

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. 'My name is Billy. What's yours?' asked the first boy. 'Tommy,' replied the second. 'My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?' asked Billy. Tommy replied, 'My Daddy's a lawyer.' 'Honest?' asked Billy. 'No, just the regular kind', replied Tommy.
 

Picking Lemons

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
 

Lettuce

What do you get when an epileptic farmer falls in his lettuce patch?

Seizure salad.
 

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
 

Young Son: Is it true that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.
 

Wife : You delivered an excellent speech at the convention.

Husband : Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.

Wife : Is that why you addressed them as your brothers & sisters?
 

A guy goes into a Chinese bar and says, "How 'bout a Stoly?" The bartender says, "Once upon a time...
 

"Watermelon Seeds"

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

'Quick, man,' he whispered to the waiter, 'what did they say?'

'Nothing,' replied the waiter.

'They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets.'
 

Not So Long Ago...

A window was a pane of glass you always had to clean, And a hacker had a lousy swing and could never hit the green.

Meg was the name of a girlfriend and a Gig was played on stage, Memory was what our elders lost in their golden age.

An application was for employment and a program was a show, A cursor used to cuss a lot and mail didn't seem that slow.

A CD was for money in a long term bank account, And if you had a floppy you hoped that nobody ever found out.

Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file, And if you unzipped in public you'd be in jail a while.

A keyboard was on a piano, a hard drive was down a long road, A mouse pad was where Mighty Mouse lived and a backup involved a commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife, paste you did with glue, A web was what a spider wove and a virus meant the flu.

Nobody gets killed in a computer crash but some would've rather been dead, I guess I'll stick to pen and paper and the memory still in my head.

If I could ever go back in time and start all over again, I'd make sure that I grew up as Bill Gate's closest friend.
 

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
 

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie appeared in a puff of smoke and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish, when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You *have* had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes.

You have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie ,"That was your first wish, too."
 

Lawyers, Lawyers, Lawyers...

When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys

It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.

Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are, the more are needed!

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

A great line by Danny de Vito in Other People's Money:
Of course I've got lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons: I've got em coz everyone else has. But as soon as you use them they mess everything up.

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind, "Do I tell my partner?"

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
 

Clowning Around

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One stops and says to the other:

''Does this taste funny to you?''
 

What do you call a mushroom that buys all the drinks?

A fungi to be with.
 

They have finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

2% aspirin
2% ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
95% Fix-A-Flat
 

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
 

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
 

What is the difference between men and government bonds?

The bonds mature.
 

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....The other is used to carry groceries.