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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Yogi Berra

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Bill Cosby

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Isaac Asimov

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carrey

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Ron White

LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their U.S. factory and moving it to Canada. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they made the factory too easy to take apart and rebuild somewhere else.

Conan O'Brien

Garbage men come at 5 a.m. Why? They're picking up garbage. It's not going to go bad again.

Dave Attel

How many people have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips

I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.

Larry the Cable Guy

Did you know that babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

Jeff Foxworthy

Have you seen the deer heads on the walls of bars, the ones wearing party hats, sunglasses and streamers? I feel sorry for them because obviously they were at a party having a good time...

Ellen DeGeneres

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Randy Pausch

You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you might find, you get what you need.

Mick Jagger, Keith Richards

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Billy Connolly

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Robin Williams

“A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.”

H. L. Menken

“I just had my visa card stolen. Now it’s everywhere I want to be.”

Scott Wood

“I’ve been on a calendar - but I’ve never been on time!

Marilyn Monroe

“Deep down, I’m pretty superficial.”

Ava Gardner

“I used to be Snow White but I drifted.”

Mae West

“I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.”

Bette Midler

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”

Lily Tomlin

Have you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin.

I constantly walk into a room and I don't remember why. But for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge.

Caroline Rhea

I went into McDonald's yesterday and said, I'd like some fries. The girl as the counter said, Would you like fries with that?

Jay Leno

You know, marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before.

Bob Hope

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed

Mitch Hedberg

First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.

Greek Proverb