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I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
Robin Williams

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy Connolly

You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you might find, you get what you need.

- Mick Jagger, Keith Richards

"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want."

- Randy Pausch

Have you seen the deer heads on the walls of bars, the ones wearing party hats, sunglasses and streamers? I feel sorry for them because obviously they were at a party having a good time...

-Ellen DeGeneres

Did you know that babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

-Jeff Foxworthy

I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.

-Larry the Cable Guy

How many people have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

-Emo Philips

Garbage men come at 5 a.m. Why? They're picking up garbage. It's not going to go bad again.

-Dave Attel

LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their U.S. factory and moving it to Canada. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they made the factory too easy to take apart and rebuild somewhere else.

-Conan O'Brien

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed

-Mitch Hedberg

You know, marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before.

-Bob Hope

I went into McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl as the counter said, "Would you like fries with that?"

-Jay Leno

I constantly walk into a room and I don't remember why. But for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge.

-Caroline Rhea

Have you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

-George Carlin.

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”

-Lily Tomlin

“I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.”

-Bette Midler

“I used to be Snow White but I drifted.”

-Mae West

“Deep down, I’m pretty superficial.”

-Ava Gardner

“I’ve been on a calendar - but I’ve never been on time!

-Marilyn Monroe

“I just had my visa card stolen. Now it’s everywhere I want to be.”

-Scott Wood

“A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.”

-H. L. Menken

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

- Will Rogers

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

- Will Rogers

Even if you're on the right track you'll get run over if you just sit there.

- Will Rogers

When the Okies left Oklahoma and moved to California, they raised the average intelligence levels in both states.

- Will Rogers

Macho doesn't prove mucho.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
--Mark Twain

There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
--Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
--Mark Twain

You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours.

- Yogi Berra

Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical
--Yogi Berra

You can observe a lot just by watching.

--Yogi Berra

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
--Will Rogers

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
- Cher

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with.
--Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
--Rodney Dangerfield

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
--Napoleon Bonaparte

Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from a friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb

First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.
- Greek Proverb

There is no need to fasten a bell to a fool
- Danish Proverb

Rast ich, so rost ich (When I rest, I rust.)
- German Proverb

The torch of love is lit in the kitchen.
- French Proverb

Talk doesn't cook rice.
- Chinese proverb

Fish or cut bait
-American Proverb

We're all in this alone.
--Lily Tomlin

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.
-- Ronald Reagan

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
- Dolly Parton

"How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it."
-- Marcus Aurelius

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
- Will Rogers

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him
prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-Mark Twain

"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
- Al Capone

"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."

-Mark Twain

"The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form."

-Stanley J. Randall

"One fifth of the people are against everything all the time."

--Robert Kennedy

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."

Abraham Lincoln

"It's not me who can't keep a secret - it's the people I tell that can't."

Abraham Lincoln

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
Andy Rooney

Everybody's got a plan - until he gets hit.
Mike Tyson

An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.
Scott Adams

Ever notice that "what the hell" is always the right decision?
Marilyn Monroe

The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Dave Barry

"Choose a job you love,
and you will never have to work a day in your life."
- Confucius -

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."
- Milton Berle -

"One person with courage makes a majority."
- Andrew Jackson -

"The person who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare.
The sure-thing boat never gets far from the shore."
- Dale Carnegie -

"In any moment of decision,
the best thing you can do is the right thing,
the next best thing is the wrong thing,
and the worst thing you can do is nothing."
- Theodore Roosevelt -

"Excellence is to do a common thing in an uncommon way."
- Booker T. Washington -

"All our dreams can come true-

-if we have the courage to pursue them."
- Walt Disney -

"There is a way to do it better...find it."
- Thomas Edison -

"The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we stand,
as in what direction we are moving."
- Oliver Wendall Holmes -

"There are so many things you can learn about.
But you'll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut."
- Dr. Suess -

"Experience is not what happens to a man.
It is what a man does with what happens to him."
- Aldous Huxley -

"No one gets very far
unless he accomplishes the impossible at least once a day."
- Elbert Hubbard -

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Milton Berle

I've always thought and said Farmers are the smartest people in the world. They don't go for high hats and they can spot a phony a mile off.
Harry S. Truman

It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get back up.

Vince Lombardi

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.

Winston Churchill

You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.
Wayne Gretzky

First-rate men hire first-rate men; second-rate men hire third-rate men.
Leo Rosten

What you want is not necessarily what you need.
Robert Half

Common sense is not so common.
Voltaire

There are five stages to an actor's career: who is Herschel Bernardi? get me Herschel Bernardi; get me a Herschel Bernardi type; get me a young Herschel Bernardi; and who is Herschel Bernardi?
Herschel Bernardi

In a conversation, keep in mind that you're more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is.
Andy Rooney

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
Unknown

In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
Jose Simon

If everybody is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking.
George S. Patton, Jr.

The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Ashley Montague

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Christopher Lasch

Half of the American people never read a newspaper. Half never voted for president. One hopes it is the same half.
Gore Vidal

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone

No change of circumstances can repair a defect of character.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The only disability in life is a bad attitude.
Scott Hamilton

We spend our time searching for security and hate it when we get it.
John Steinbeck

The man who views the world the same at 50 as he did at 30 has wasted 20 years of his life.
Muhammed Ali

Almost everything you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.
Mohandas K. Gandhi

When people tell you how young you look, they are also telling you how old you are.
Cary Grant

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

There is still no cure for the common birthday.
John Glenn

Living in the lap of luxury isn't bad, except that you never know when luxury is going to stand up.
Orson Welles

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby

Spring is nature's way of saying "Let's party!"
Williams, Robin

The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is out-grossing my films.
Paul Newman

If dogs talked, one of them would be president by now. Everybody likes dogs.
Dean Koontz

There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out.
Mae West

That old law about "an eye for an eye" leaves everybody blind.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Sometimes at the end of the day when I'm smiling and shaking hands, I want to kick them.
Richard Nixon

Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There's nothing to do but to stand there and take it.
Lyndon B. Johnson

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
Dan Quayle

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
George Stephanopoulos of Bill Clinton

You do not lead by hitting people over the head. That's assault, not leadership.
Dwight D. Eisenhower

They misunderestimated me.
George W. Bush

Ability is nothing without opportunity.
Napoleon Bonaparte

One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.
Plato

Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.
Marlene Dietrich

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Ingrid Bergman

There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody.
Adlai Stevenson

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
William Clinton

When the rich make war it's the poor that die.
Jean-Paul Sartre

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
Karl Marx

I think, therefore I'm single.
Liz Winston

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Everything I did in my life that was worthwhile I caught hell for.
Earl Warren

Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes.
Brendan Hills

Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die.
John W. Campbell

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
Steve Martin

Insignificant events can take on monumental proportions when your head is full of practically nothing.
Grace Slick

The most valuable of all talents is never using two words when one will do.
Thomas Jefferson

What this country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
Will Rogers

One Today is worth two Tomorrows.
Benjamin Franklin

I saw the new Italian navy. Its boats have glass bottoms so they can see the old Italian navy.
Peter Secchia, US Ambassador to Italy

We have the power to do any damn fool thing we want to do, and we seem to do it about every ten minutes.
Senator J. William Fulbright

Principles have no real force except when one is well fed.
Mark Twain

Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
Marcus Aurelius

Dig the well before you are thirsty.
Chinese Proverb

If you want your children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.
Abigail Van Buren

It's never too late to become what you might have been.
George Eliot

"Intern" is French for "slave."
Bill Cosby

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz

In the case of many poets, the most important thing for them to do is to write as little as possible.
T. S. Eliot

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Unknown

If you lend someone 20 dollars and never see that person again, it's probably worth it.
Sam Ewing

Where boasting ends, there dignity begins.
Edward Young

You can be young without money but you can't be old without it.
Tennessee Williams

I'd rather be dead than singing "Satisfaction" when I'm forty-five.
Mick Jagger

What happens if an asteroid hits the Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledgehammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
Dave Barry

Everything you can imagine is real.
Pablo Picasso

Don't make me come down there. - God
Billboard

I don't question your existence. - God
Billboard

School. I need to be there. – God

Billboard

Be nice, or I'll make the traffic worse. - God

Billboard

I'm a polyatheist - there are many gods I don't believe in.
Dan Fouts

If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.
Lin Yutang

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

Since the mathematicians have attacked the relativity theory, I myself no longer understand it.
Albert Einstein

Each of us visits this Earth involuntarily, and without an invitation. For me, it is enough to wonder at the secrets.
Albert Einstein

The greatest danger in communication is the illusion it has been achieved.
George Bernard Shaw

Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence.
Tom Robbins

A radical is a man with both feet planted firmly in the air.
Franklin D. Roosevelt

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
Derek Bok

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Albert Einstein

Time flies when you're on Prozac.
Bette Midler

At 50 everyone has the face he deserves.
George Orwell

I gotta be me.
Sammy Davis, Jr.

So it goes.
Kurt Vonnegut

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